Sure, this summer is the hottest summer you’ve ever experienced living on this planet, but try to stay positive! This summer is also the coldest summer of the rest of your life. Climate change has been the talk of deniers and tree-huggers alike for the last decade, but who needs science when you can just go outside to see the California you grew up in burning before your eyes?
Each passing summer breaks new records for heatwaves, historic fires, bad air quality, and tons of other bad things that will ruin your day. For instance, the entire Pacific Northwest is currently undergoing an extreme heatwave described as “once-in-a-millennium,” but hey – maybe millennia are shorter than I thought and it actually just means “every summer.” That makes things seem a lot less scary! Anyhow, here are some easy climate change life hacks you can incorporate daily to cope with this ongoing crisis and make a real impact on the environment!
1. Take personal responsibility
Obviously, climate change is directly your fault, and not that of the massive corporations constantly dumping emissions, varying pollutants, and single-use plastics into our environment. With the failure to pass a Green New Deal, it’s not like the U.S. government will soon create any meaningful policy to curb this damage. So, the sooner you take personal responsibility for this disaster, the more in control you will feel. This won’t actually fix anything, but you might trick yourself into feeling better!
2. Plan indoor and/or water-based gender reveals
There are a lot of great ways to avoid single-handedly burning down the state of California, but the best way is to keep explosives very far away from your gender reveal party. Even better yet, keep all pyrotechnics away from California’s dry, flammable grass, and don’t go outside at all! If you must go outside, try sticking to water-based tricks for your special reveal. The truth is that gender reveal parties are so 2008, so it’s best to prevent everyone from hating you forever by not setting anything ablaze. Remember: people can’t buy you anything on your baby registry if you burn down all the baby stores first!
3. Try not to go outside or breathe too much
This one is a little tricky! Yes, humans need air to breathe, but did you know that Central California is home to some of the worst air quality in the country? Cities in the San Joaquin Valley are actually tied for the top three spots for year-round particle pollution! Woohoo! The best way to avoid the harmful effects of this pollution and prevent contributing to it is to simply not breathe it. Try to avoid all activities that cause you to take in extra oxygen, forever. Good luck!
You know the drill! Recycle, start composting, get cute reusable water bottles and shopping bags, and use paper over plastic when possible. While we have already passed critical tipping points, like the melting of the Arctic sea ice, you still have enough time left to feel like you’re actually making a difference.
5. Close your eyes and pretend it's not happening
Take a hint from Congress and your local elected officials and follow their lead. Close your eyes, pretend it’s not happening, and feel free again! May your ignorance bring you great bliss at the direct expense of having an inhabitable planet for your grandchildren.
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CNC Side Eye is strictly satirical. Satire is the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Any coincidental use of names is not intentional.