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Local Conservative Reluctantly Admits Free Healthcare Kind of Nice


Staunch Central Valley conservative Billy Murica recently received his COVID-19 vaccination and has a lot to say about the momentous event. As a diabetic, not getting the vaccination was not an option for Billy. Ultimately, he knew that if he wanted to keep his family safe and get back to his normal life of actively opposing affordable healthcare for all, he’d have to get vaccinated.

Billy received his second vaccination shot two weeks ago from Valley Children’s Hospital in Madera, California. Now fully inoculated against the deadly virus, Billy has found himself at an ideological crossroads. Speaking of his vaccination experience, Billy stated, “It was shockingly pleasant. I had a completely frictionless experience.” Feeling conflicted having received free healthcare after a lifetime of opposing it, he begrudgingly admitted that the experience was, “kind of nice.”

After receiving his first shot, Billy was so pleased with the experience that he helped his entire family sign up for their vaccinations at myturn.ca.gov. It took a little convincing to get his friends and family to agree to a free vaccination, but after they all received their first doses, the feedback was entirely positive. Of the vaccines, his wife, Mary, reportedly said, “Huh, I always thought this sort of thing would be bad, but I kind of liked it.”

While Billy thoroughly enjoyed the free lifesaving healthcare he received, he still remains undecided on the free healthcare issue overall. “Sure, I had a great experience and the vaccine has changed my life for the better,” he observed, “But seriously? Are we just not supposed to go into debt every time we receive healthcare anymore? That feels too unamerican.” 

How would your life change if all healthcare was as easy as getting a COVID-19 vaccine?

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CNC Side Eye is strictly satirical. Satire is the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Any coincidental use of names is not intentional.