Greetings, California! I’m sensing there is something brewing on the horizon, something of immense importance ... It’s roughly five weeks away, and it will greatly impact your future. It rhymes with shhmmecall shhmelection… Oh, that’s right! California’s recall election is on September 14th and is rapidly approaching! Every responsible voter has a voting plan and has done their research prior to casting their ballot - but do you know what the stars have to say about the upcoming election? Register to vote, make a voting plan, and check your astrological forecast below to be as prepared as possible come September 14th!
Congratulations, Aries! Your prompt, fiery attitude has served you well this recall season. It looks like you registered to vote early on, received your ballot in mid-August, and promptly mailed it back. Your vote was valid because it was postmarked on or before September 14, 2021, and was received by your county elections office no later than September 21, 2021. Woohoo!
Practical, dependable, Taurus – be wary of your finances in this recall election! The leading Republican candidate wants to take your minimum wage away from you! More specifically, the leading opposition in the recall believes that the minimum wage should be $0.00. If you have a trust fund that has financially set you up for life, fret not, Taurus. But beware: if you have to work for a living to support your family, think ahead, do your research, and vote for a candidate who will uphold California’s $14 minimum wage requirement. Disaster can be avoided should you vote “NO” on the recall!
Always dreaming, aren’t you, Gemini? Unfortunately for you, not all dreams are pleasant. Some are even nightmares! In early August, you will awaken from a fitful sleep, plagued only by the memory of your lingering nightmare. The nightmare? A YouTuber became the governor of California and now the official state beverages are sponsored energy drinks and detox teas. Scary! Fortunately, this nightmare reminds you to check your mailbox where you find your ballot, and you vote “NO” on the recall, preventing this possibility from occurring.
You care about things deeply. Things like having a livable minimum wage and maintaining the political progress California has made over the last few years. Because you care so deeply about the future of your state, you know the best way to preserve this progress is to vote “NO” on the recall!
You are proud and opinionated! You voted “NO” on the recall as soon as you got your ballot, then you did a photoshoot at the ballot drop-off box so you could let all of your followers know that you’re a civically engaged baddie! #KeepGoingCalifornia #NoRecallYesProgress
Organized and detail-oriented, Virgos are always ready for Election Day with a voting plan! You know the importance of this election, so you organized a virtual voting event with friends where everyone checked their voter registration status, updated their addresses as necessary, and prepared a voting plan. You educated your friends on why it’s critical for California’s future to vote “NO” on the recall, and all your friends agreed! But you’re always right, aren’t you, Virgo?
The most romantic sign of the zodiac! Like a true Libra, you wanted to make a date out of September 14th, so you planned to take your significant other to vote in person. Weeks before the election, you and your partner got fully vaccinated against COVID-19, registered to vote at your new address, and searched for your polling place together. You even made matching face masks to wear on September 14th! So cute!
Beware! Bad fortune lies ahead should you forget to vote “NO” on the recall! Turns out, the leading candidate in the recall does not believe that climate change is impacting California or the increasing number of wildfires that happen each summer ... Which is terrifying. As a Scorpio, you are complex and deep, but your opinions on climate change are not complex at all. You know that climate change is real and you demand a leader who takes it seriously! To preserve the beautiful California that you love, you voted “NO” on the recall!
Sagittarius, you are honest through and through. What you desire most from your government representatives is honesty in return. When you learned that the recall election was going to cost California well over 200 million dollars, you knew it was just a big ole’ waste of money. Money that could have gone to literally anything else. Since you are against wasting so much money, you voted “NO” on the recall.
Steady and reliable, you dropped your ballot off as soon as you could! No funny business here!
You're always dreaming big, Aquarius, and this recall election is no exception! You know the choices you make today directly impact what happens in your future. For society and California to advance and ascend into the future, you know that the progress of today must be maintained. The only way to do this is to vote “NO” on the recall, and that’s exactly what you did! Very wise!
You’re a Pisces through and through: your head is in the clouds, you’re creating art, and you’re not always paying attention to the daily news. Good thing you are an active voter and know the importance of the September 14th recall election! You were a little late to the party, but you registered to vote by August 30th and received your ballot by September 7th. This was the last possible date, but you received it just in time, and dropped your ballot off and the closest drop-off location!
Is there an issue in your neighborhood that you think should be addressed? Email any story suggestions, tips, or comments to [email protected].
CNC Side Eye is strictly satirical. Satire is the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Any coincidental use of names is not intentional.